She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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