My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
