She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
