I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize