I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
