It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
