how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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