Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
