he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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