i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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