i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
