is your mom at the bar?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
