I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
