thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
