so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
