My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
