he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
