there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
