I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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