2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
