Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Is it penis luge time yet?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
