I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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