I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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