there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
