If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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