oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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