a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
