i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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