I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
