Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
