i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just pee around me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
