we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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