how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
