mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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