not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
3 2 1 whiskey
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
