my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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