dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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