just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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