Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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