People with herpes should wear stickers.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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