This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
