At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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