I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
