Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
