Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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