Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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