I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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