I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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