Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
