In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The air was thick with penises
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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