I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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