Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
