Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
