I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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