Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
