Whod you bang
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
