Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
