p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
