I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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