He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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