I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
