ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
