i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
