I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
